


Hindsight

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abusive Relationship, M/M, Not an excuse, OOC, Projecting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:10:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: jeremy has trouble falling asleep as he thinks about how he used to treat michael





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> if you know me dont talk to me about this

Hindsight is 20/20. Jeremy had heard that phrase before, but never applied to something so meaningful. He’d gotten food poisoning once for ordering something new at a restaurant, and his dad had told him, “You know, Jer, hindsight is 20/20. We look back on things, and only then can we see how bad our decisions were.” Jeremy had thought it was strange for his father to try and teach him a life lesson while he was vomiting over the toilet. 

Not anymore. 

No, Jeremy understands hindsight now. He understands what his father was trying to tell him. 

It’s two in the morning, and he’s lying awake staring at the stars on his ceiling, his 20/20 hindsight making it impossible for him to close his eyes longer than a second. His chest is tight, and his throat feels dry and phlegmy at the same time. 

His main feeling is guilt. A stronger guilt than he usually feels, when his anxiety acts up and he feels like he’s bothering his friends. This guilt is exponentially more painful, more stabbing. It’s about Michael. 

The way he treated Michael in the past makes him throw up if he thinks about it too long—a worse throwing up than the food poisoning he’d gotten years ago. 

He and Michael had been best friends. They’d been inseparable. They were ‘Jeremy and Michael’, ‘Michael and Jeremy’, never one without the other. They looked nothing alike, but teachers got their names mixed up on a daily basis. They laughed about it. They shared every hyperfixation, got interested in everything together. They spoke in unison several times a day. 

As middle school turned into freshman year, Middleborough High saw the unfortunate end to their dynamic duo. As classes got more selective, they hardly saw each other. 

Jeremy had more classes with Rich Goranski than Michael, and Rich took advantage of that. As Michael eased out of Jeremy’s life, Rich filled the gap Jeremy so desperately needed to be filled. 

The three of them still hung out together, but Rich was not very accepting of Michael’s friendship with Jeremy. He’d make fun of him, prompting Jeremy to do the same. Jeremy hated it, but his urge to be liked got the best of him. He’d bite his tongue, swallow hard, and go along with Rich’s teasing of Michael. He always tried to apologize—it wasn’t just Rich he wanted to like him. He needed Michael’s validation possibly even more—but Rich would drag him along to something new. 

Soon, the teasing turned into straight bullying, but at that point, apologizing seemed too hard, too futile. The damage had been done. 

Rich slowly replaced Michael, or he tried to. Jeremy regularly attempted to contact Michael, but wouldn’t hear from him for weeks on end. It had gotten to a point where if Michael talked to him, Jeremy would tell everyone, ecstatic. 

Some good came out of Jeremy’s friendship with Rich. He introduced the concept of bisexuality to him, after all. Though, Rich tried out different labels sometimes. He went back to straight for a while, then gay for about a week before settling back on bi. 

Jeremy never identified as anything particularly special. Attraction confuses him, but he’s fine just being bisexual. Labels don’t mean much to him, at least when when they’re about him. He doesn’t quite know how to distinguish crushes from people he thought could make good friends. It hadn’t been a problem for him until Rich started threatening to leave him. 

Michael was nearly a hundred percent out of Jeremy’s life, and the latter was desperate for constant companionship. Rich began saying he’d abandon Jeremy if he didn’t pay him more attention—impossible—didn’t stop talking to Michael all together—undesirable—and give him a reason to stay—doable(?)

Jeremy _needed_ Rich to stay, so he tried those things. He even confessed a crush on Rich that was completely fabricated, hoping it would convince Rich not to leave him. 

Dating Rich was a nightmare. 

Jeremy felt constantly shortchanged on affection. He spent the bulk of his money on gifts for Rich, attempts to be a good boyfriend despite his lies, but they never received thanks. Rich would act like only his feelings were worth listening to. Jeremy never had a voice. 

Or maybe he did. 

Maybe he was just too afraid of Rich leaving to tell him how he really felt: trapped. It was his own fault, though, so he stuck with him. He deserved it. 

Jeremy was pressured into a more physical relationship with Rich than he’d ever wanted. Their kisses scared him. He told him not to use so much tongue, but Rich only ever scoffed at that. Rich told him he had sexual fantasies about Jeremy. Jeremy tried not to gag. He didn’t like thinking about that, even if he was bisexual. The attraction wasn’t there. 

Senior year came around. A car broke down. Michael was suddenly back. Jeremy felt like anything was possible. That was also the year Rich’s anger really came out. 

Screaming, blaming, gaslighting, keeping Jeremy away from other friends, ignoring his panic attacks, invalidating his identity, other things Jeremy knew there had to be names for. These became the norm for he and Rich. It didn’t take long for him to realize Rich had been manipulating him this whole time, even as kids. Conditioning him into liking him over Michael. Jeremy felt sick. He hated himself for falling for that, for what he put Michael through. Sure, he could blame Rich, but it was his choice, like it or not. 

Fortunately, it only took about a week for Michael to be back in his life, strong as ever. The dynamic duo back again. 

It made Rich angrier. 

Michael told Jeremy that Rich was abusive, toxic, but Jeremy didn’t know how to leave. Graduation, he promised, he’d cut Rich off after graduation. He couldn’t handle seeing Rich at school after something like that. 

It happened. Jeremy blocked Rich on everything he could think of. Michael supported him. All Jeremy wanted was his support. It felt better than anything Rich did for him. 

Jeremy’s a jealous person, but Michael’s relationship with a boy named Jared made him happy. He was glad to see Michael with someone who he enjoyed to be around. Jeremy and Jared got along, too. Michael even said they enabled each other. 

Now lying in bed at two in the morning, Jeremy knows two things. One, that having Michael back in his life is the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and that the things he did in the past are his greatest regrets. And two, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Michael. 

Attraction confuses Jeremy, he knows this. He isn’t sure what he wants to become of his relationship with Michael. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought of marriage, but he’d never admit it. Joke about it, sure, but that’s too serious to really talk about. Especially with Jared in the mix. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Not again. 

He doesn’t know if he believes in soulmates, but sometimes he does. Platonic ones, too. He can’t tell what he and Michael are meant to be. Nothing makes sense. Is he just glad to have Michael back, or does he want something more? Imagining a romantic relationship with Michael is strange to him. He can’t picture them kissing, but sharing a bed is already something they’re near experts at. 

He doesn’t want to ruin anything. 

Jeremy tries to make up for their past. Little things. A gift here and there, nothing like he did with Rich. Offering a shoulder if Michael needs to cry. He knows nothing will ever really make Michael trust him completely again. He deserves that. Rich isn’t an excuse for how he acted. Victims can be toxic too. 

Jeremy wishes he knew what to make of his thoughts. 

He wishes hindsight had been foresight. 

He wishes he didn’t feel so disgusting and nauseated. 

He wishes a lot of things. 

But he also wished once that Michael would come back to him. 

So maybe wishes do come true. 

He doesn’t know. Maybe he won’t ever know. 

As long as Michael’s happy, he’s happy. But is he? He can’t tell what’s jealousy and what’s just his depression and anxious intrusive thoughts. He wishes he could tell. 

Jeremy turns over. He doesn’t look at the stars on his ceiling anymore. He just wants a break.


End file.
